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The text for the day is Matthew 9:27,28:
As Jesus went ahead from there, two blind men followed Him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!"
When He had gone indoors, the blind men came to Him, and He asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
"Yes, Lord," they replied.
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These past few days have been good days for me. I had chemotherapy last Tuesday with the Avastin, and did not have
to take the Cytoxan chemo. They reduced the time I take the Cytoxan due to the harsh side effects that I was experiencing.
I must have had some kind of a bug during the last chemo cycle. The two weeks that I did not have any chemo were the
hardest days physically. Usually, they are the easiest because I am not dealing with the effects of the harsh and toxic
drugs. I feel better during chemo! My suspician is that the pre-chemo drugs I am treated with, one of them is
the steroid called decadron, well, I think that decadron gives me that boost of energy for several days following administration.
I have had some really good days. I was even able to give my daughter driving lessons the day after I had chemo.
I'll take that any day...
As I lay here updating my journal I am listening to music on headphones through itunes. I am beginning to enjoy
music again. For the longest time I quit listening to it because every song (well, not EVERY) just brought back memories
that ripped me apart. I couldn't even begin to say why except that they were reminders of better days that were left
behind when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Music used to be the main thing I enjoyed. I listened to it 24/7.
If I wasn't listening to it I was writing/playing it. Music was my motivator! When I did my housework the music
blasted throughout the house and I danced my way doing chores. I excercised to it, I ate, slept, drank it. Then
I was diagnosed and completely devastated. Nothing held any joy for me anymore. Music ceased to exist in my life,
or so it seemed. It is good to be able to feel again. I guess that is a phase that I am finally able to reach
- finding joy in life again, even though the cancer continues to spread and take over my body slowly but surely. I can
feel again.
It is amazing the effects that music can create, the feelings that it can manipulate. I prefer "happy songs" and
songs that I can reminisce...
I wish that my days were better and that I could spend time writing and creating more songs. Oh well, I guess I
need to be content no matter the circumstance.
Last week was to be a week filled with all of my PET/CT tests to determine how my body is responding to treatment.
I was scheduled Thursday for the following tests:
PET Scan
CT Scans
Mammogram
Well, when I arrived at my appointment time I was told that the insurance company had denied everything but the mammogram.
Here we go again. Now my mind will drive me crazy wondering where the cancer has spread to next. Especially since
during the mammogram the radioligist saw something suspicious and recommended an ultrasound. So from the mammogram to
the ultrasound I went. The ultrasound showed something also and the radiologist decided I needed an MRI. I didn't
have a prescription for that, so now I have to contact my doctor for that. Then it will be a pain to wait to see if
my insurance will cover/approve the test. It is the same insurance coverage I had last year. We have had problems
in the past, but somehow have always managed to get the treatment and tests that are so vital to my survival. I wish
and pray so much for relief from all of this. My prayer is to go into remission forever - to die in my sleep from old
age, not from cancer at 46.
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After reading the text that I chose for today's entry, it brings so many questions, and elicits many different feelings
in my heart. How would I respond if asked the same question? I know what the proper response should be.
I know that I should believe this with all of my heart and soul, but then I ask "Why then, am I not healed from this cancer,
yet? Why am I not in remission?"
There are places where Christ promises that if we had the faith of a mustard seed, that whatever we ask for - even to
move the mountains - that it will be done. He even tells us that 'Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, believing, ye
shall receive...' A wise man answered him back, "Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief!"
This is where I struggle in my faith. I remember a meeting early on in my diagnosis that I had with a Pastor from
a church that I had attended for years. I wanted to know if it was because I didn't have enough faith, if that was the
reason that I wasn't healed or in remission. I honestly don't remember exactly what he said but he said something to
the effect that there were many people praying for me, that there was plenty of faith to go around. I know that he said
more about the subject and I know I was comforted by his words at the time, but I honestly don't remember the rest of his
response. What I do know is that I can't let the devil have a foot hold. I won't allow him to take my faith away
with the doubts that cloud my head from time to time. I will cling to Jesus' promise of salvation. John 3:16 is
for me, also.
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify
your Father which is in heaven. Matthew
5:16
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