The evening before chemotherapy...

I am afraid of all that lay before me.  I pray that chemo will go well, without severe reactions.   My hemoglobin levels have been extremely low.  The doctors discussed possible blood transfusions.  I have tested 8.1 while still in the hospital.  My last blood test showed a 10.1.  I don't know if I have much leeway.  I worry about catching a cold or getting the flu.  I am terrified that I may be dying...

 

My Jesus has been so good to me.  I have many blessings to thankful for:

 

Love

Family

Gary

Megan

Drew

My Parents

Grandparents

Gary's Parents

My Sisters

Friends and Neighbors

 

I have people who love me.  Not a day goes by without my son shouting:  "Mommy!  I love you so much!"  or my daughter putting her arms gently around me.  Sometimes she will say:  "I'm glad you are my mom."  She is my gentle soul...  My husband tells me everyday how much he loves me.  I know that I am blessed.  There are people who never hear these beautiful words or feel the loving arms of their children around them.  Sweet kisses, hugs and complete adoration shining in a loved ones eyes...

 

I love waking up in the morning to hear Baby Drew laughing and playing with Daddy.  There is such joy in my heart to see Megan's beautiful face coming up for her breakfast.  I have such contentment and happiness being held in Gary's arms as he gives me my Good Morning hug and kiss.

 

I finally have all the things I have ever longed for here with my husband and children.  A real family, with real love and true happiness.  I want to stay here and live with them.

 

We went to church this morning at Trinity Lutheran Church in St. Francis, Minnesota.  Pastor Baumgarn gave the sermon on the Bible.  It's funny how many of the verses that I have recently studied that were sprinkled throughout his sermon.  I know that God is speaking out to me.  I have known and felt His presence before.

 

Let me explain...

 

Throughout times in my life I know that God has communicated messages and His love to me.  I have had several spiritual experiences.  I was fifteen years old the first time I felt Him.  I was just too young to know how significant this experience was.  I didn't realize that it was a spiritual experience until later in life.  It happened during my confirmation at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Fridley, Minnesota.  During the ceremony, I remember we were praying...  I had my eyes closed when I felt a hand brush against my cheek.  It was gentle, but firm.  I remember being startled.  I opened my eyes to see who had touched me.  I was the last one on the bench.  No one was beside me!  I can remember the feeling of awe and I can sometimes still feel the goosebumps on my arms.

 

My second experience came much later.  I was going through an abusive relationship.  When it was at its worst, I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night.  One night I awoke with a strange feeling - I felt a tingling throughout my body and a brilliant white light seemed to fill the room.  I felt this incredible feeling of unconditional love, something I have never experienced before or since.  It was as though everything was perfect and the joy that I felt was a deep, abiding joy.  I could hear my sisters tell me not to go to the light and I said to them; "But I want to go!"  I lay there for a while just reveling in this love.  I knew it was Jesus.  The next thing I knew it was morning and He was no longer in the room with me.

 

My third experience was in 1997 after my husband, Gary and I were married.  We had gone to bed and were both asleep.  All of a sudden I was awake.  I could hear and see Gary sleeping beside me.  Then, I felt as if I were floating, standing...  The bed disappeared and the walls to our bedroom melted away.  The heavens opened to reveal Christ and all of His Angels!  My heart leaped with such joy and I cried;   "Oh, My Jesus!  He's come to take us home!"  When I woke in the morning, such disappointment settled deep into my heart because it was just a revelation and not the real thing.

 

My fourth experience was only about 4 or 5 months ago.  As I was sleeping, Jesus came to me.  I remember that He really didn't speak or say anything but it was a communication of the heart and mind.  A knowing of what He was telling me.  His message was that I would be dying soon.  A family member was afraid to die.  Jesus wanted me to greet this person, He communicated that this person needed me.  I assumed that He was speaking of my father, who has lived with heart disease.  My elderly grandparents also came to mind.  I can remember feeling and thinking, Okay.  

 

I told my husband about the dream.  We both just brushed it off as that, just a dream.  A few weeks after this happened my son Drew woke up one morning talking about about mommy going someplace.  We were sitting at the breakfast table.  He kept repeating that mommy was going somewhere.  We asked him where mommy was going and his reply was;  "Oh, Mommy's going home to live with Jesus!"  (My son at the time was only 2 1/2 years old).  We asked him how he knew this and he said, "The angels told me".  My husband and I firmly believe that the angels have ministered to our son.  Approximately 2 1/2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I am Stage IIIC, Grade 1.  I had surgery which is said to have achieved optimal debulking.  The cancer spread from my ovaries into my tubes, uterus, appendix, lymph nodes, and into my omentum. 

 

I am not sure what to think about all of this.  I have pondered over these happenings.  I do not want to die and leave my family, this earth yet.  I have not done everything I need to, to accomplish more as a Christian, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a mother...  Thy will be done!

 

My first day of chemo is here.  I purchased a Blessings Journal so that while I am at chemotherapy I can concentrate on the positive.

 

 

Megan

Drew

Gary

Kisses and hugs from my family

Chemotherapy

Sunshine on the deck

Sarah

Maizey

Drew's comment this morning:  "It's a beautiful day!"

 

 

It is the day after chemotherapy.  Surprisingly, I feel ok.  I was afraid that I would have an allergic reaction and not be able to continue treatments.  Thank God that I am tolerating everything so far.  The side effects I have had have been fairly mild.  I ache all over, but with the pain medications it is manageable.  I have only mild nausea and have kept down all that I have eaten.  The anti-nausea medications are working.  Dr. Bailey, my Gynecological Oncologist, is said to be one of the best in the nation.  She seems to care deeply about her patients.  I received a hug from her when I attended chemotherapy class.  It makes all the difference in the world how doctors relate to their patients. 

 

My family has been extremely supportive.  All of my sisters came to see me in the hospital.  Denise, Kelly, Stacy and Jeanelle came straight to Mercy Hospital in Coon Rapids.  We cried and prayed together.  The Emergency Room Physicians told me that this was an extremely grave situation.  One even told me that I should be contacting my minister immediately.  Dr. Clifford told my husband that I would probably never leave the hospital.  I stayed overnight at Mercy.  The next day I was transported to The Virginia Piper Cancer Center at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis.  When I arrived, my sister Julie was waiting for me.  She stayed and sat on my bed.  She held my hand the entire time she was there.  She is such a beautiful soul and her being there comforted me more than she will ever know.  The next morning I woke up and my other sisters, Kathy and Sue were there.  It was wonderful to see them.  I love both of them so much.  I have been so lonely for their company and companionship.  Our family has been going through a separation of sorts.  When we were younger we were pretty much inseperable.  As we have gotten older, some of us have just gone different ways for various reasons.  I miss my family and the way we used to be.  We had our own softball team.  We had so much fun being together.  I pray for the day forgiveness will allow all of us to be close again.  I need that.  I believe that deep down all of us need that - we just haven't realized it yet.

 

My husband Gary made breakfast this morning.  He is such a wonderful husband and father.  I couldn't have asked for more.  Megan, Drew and Gary are the loves of my life.  I have been truly blessed...

 

Thank you God for today...

 

I haven't written for a few days.  Chemo really wiped me out.  I am so tired I drift in and out of sleep.  Yesterday, Sue picked me up and brought me to Sunny's Beauty Supply in Uptown.  I picked out two wigs.  I met her sister-in-law, Maury.  What a sweet girl!  We had dinner at an uptown restaurant with outdoor seating.  I was really tired, but I had a nice visit.  It was good to be with them.  Maury shared with me that she lost her mother to liver cancer.  It was hard to hear because of my own battle with ovarian cancer.  My doctors don't think that I have very long left to live...

 

Sue seems to be happy and settled in her life.  It is a joy to see.  I was impressed with her husband's family and am happy for her.  She deserves to find every bit of happiness.

 

 

 

I had a very good day!  We went to church at Trinity.  My mom and dad met us there.  I finally received Holy Communion.  I don't know how long it has been since I have participated in communion.  Too long.  I realize how much I have missed going to church.  We haven't been able to find that "perfect Church" yet.  Doesn't that sound terrible?  I use to be very involved in church.  Through the years I have been active as a Sunday School Teacher, Bible School Teacher, Music Director, Youth Alive in Christ, Ongoing Ambassadors For Christ, a Whirlybirds Teacher, a member of the Evangelism Explosion Team, special music for Sunday services, Bible studies, etc.  I mentioned an abusive relationship earlier in my journal.  I went through a divorce shortly after my spiritual experience when Jesus came to my room.  After that, when I went to church, I just felt judged.  I went to a church service (Missouri Lutheran Synod) one Sunday during the time of my separation.  The church service was actually dealing with abusive marriages.  They had a skit between a husband and a wife.  The husband hit the wife.  They began arguing.  The wife was crying.  Then it came to the part where the husband was "sorry".  He was crying and begging her to stay.  They ended the skit that way.  The pastor then gave a sermon on why the wife should stay with her abusive husband.  I cried so hard, and I was so upset that it was the last time that I went to church for a very long time.  I just couldn't believe that they would really communicate such a terrible message.  I have also attended a service where the pastor told the story of a woman in his congregation who came to him for forgiveness after having an affair.  She wanted to know what she should do.  He told her that it wasn't his job to make her feel better about her situation.  He sent her away.  I was so upset that I wrote a song titled:  Modern Day Pharisee.  If we can't find forgiveness through God's church, then what else is there?  I was also upset that the pastor would break a confidence of one of his members.  Anyway, I have been very angry with organized religion.  I now realize that there is no "perfect church".  I have taught my children about God's Word.  My son can recite the Lord's Prayer at 2 1/2.  As a family, we pray every day and evening together.  But I have missed being a part of a church family.  I guess that "churches" need forgiveness, too.  It was a privelege being in God's presence. 

 

Megan read her new Harry Potter book that she received on Saturday from Gary.  She is almost done!  Wow...

 

Drew played in the sprinkler and had a high old time!  We ate popsicles and I even had a run through the sprinkler.  Drew really got a kick out of that. 

 

I even felt well enough and was able to take two walks today.  The first walk was just Gary and myself.  The second walk Megan and I were going to go alone.  We were heading down the driveway and our neighbors across the street were outside.  Shawn and Sammy were out cutting flowers in their yard. Sammy walked over with a bunch in her hand.  She gave them to me.  I guess they were gathering the flowers so she could give them to me in the first place.  What a little sweetheart!  When Megan and I started walking, Sammy asked if she could join us.  (Of course she could!)  We were halfway down the block when we noticed Shawn running to catch up!  We turned around and met her, then turned around again to continue our walk.  It has been so hot here lately.  We have had two weeks of 90 degree weather, so it was refreshing when a warm summer rain began to fall.  It was just enough to cool us down.  I really had a beautiful day!

 

When I was a little girl it was one of my favorite things to play outside in the rain.  When we lived on our farm we used to go outside and take showers in the rain.  My mom would hand us shampoo, and there we would be, four little girls dancing naked in the rain.  We loved that!  My mom was very fun and free spirited with innocent things like that.  I didn't realize until just now what a free spirit my mother actually is. I will write later about my childhood and my growing up experiences.  It will be interesting to see it in writing.  How fun!

 

Love, Me

 

 

I have blood work due this morning.  I hope everything is ok.  I feel good this morning.  My tongue is starting to get little sores on it.  I hope that as I continue to recover from my first chemo that it will be healed by the time my second session comes along.  My stomach continues to go down.  It really makes a difference. on how I feel.  I looked about eight months pregnant before my surgery.  I have what they call ascites fluid.  (It is cancer fluid).  I guess this is typical of ovarian cancer and I think uterine cancers.  It is strange how a disease so deadly doesn't make you feel that bad.  I was just really tired for a very long time.  I thought that it was related to the birth of my son, Drew.  After he was born, I was admitted back into the hospital for symptoms of Cardiomyopathy.  I got through all of that and then when Drew was about five months old I had blood coming out of one of my breasts.  I was not breastfeeding because of all the medications I had to have in the hospital.  They checked me for breast cancer.  They couldn't find anything.  I just never really felt right after my son was born.  I went to the doctors and was told nothing was wrong with me.  They told me that it was my baby that was tiring me out, or that women my age go through depression.  (I was only 41).  I asked if I could be going through menopause, because I would wake up in the middle of the night just drenched in sweat.  They basically laughed at that idea.  When I started to bloat, they treated me for a parasite called giardia.  By that time, sex had become painful, and I had one menstruation cycle that lasted for about 13 days.  It got to the point where I didn't want to go to the doctor because they treated me as if I were a middle aged, neurotic, depressed, hypochondriac.  My doctor even gave me a pelvic exam without noticing anything wrong.  The ascites fluid was so built up that I looked eight or nine months pregnant.  Mu husband threatened to make the appointment for me.  I went in and was given a pregnancy test.  Then they finally did some kind of ultra sound test.  Nobody discussed anything with me, other than if I should feel worse to go to the hospital.  I started looking up my symptoms on the internet - on the Mayo Clinic site.  I basically diagnosed myself.  I told my husband that all my symptoms were typical of ovarian or uterine cancer.  Well, I was feeling really horrible and told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital.  He took me to Mercy Hospital in Coon Rapids.  I was transferred the next day to the Virginia Piper Cancer Center at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. 

 

My Jesus!  I need you more now than ever before.  You have always been in my heart.  I love you...

 

I want to grow old, wrinkly and gray with Gary.  I will work harder than ever before to be a better human being, a more spiritual christian, a more loving wife, mother, daughter, grand daughter, friend, neighbor, sister...  I will notice something I need to change everyday and work at it with Your help and change it.  You have blessed me so!  Just when the things that matter most to me are here with me (my beautiful little family) and we have never felt so close or been so happy before...  Please don't let it be too perfect to be true - let this be our blessing for many more years to come.  Please let me live to see my 35th wedding anniversary!  Please find the grace and mercy in your loving heart to give us another miracle and that I will be cured of this cancer for years to come...  I know it is alot to ask, but in Jesus' name I pray...

 

Keep Gary, Megan and Drew safe, warm and loved.  Keep us all in the palm of your hand.  I love you, Jesus, my God, my Savior, my Spirit.  Thank you for loving me and for listening to my prayers.  I know that I am not worthy of your grace, peace, mercy, love, but I want it, I need You so...  John 3:16 is for me also.  Lord I do believe with all my heart.   Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, believing ye shall receive.  Lord, I believe, Help thou mine unbelief!  I love you Jesus.  Thy will be done.

 

Time heals all wounds.  I never used to believe that until recently.  But it truly does.  Physical, emotional and spiritual wounds are healed in time.  You never forget what happened to you, but time has a way of lifting the intensity, which is what is really important.  We should never forget what happens to us in life.  We should never allow it to make us bitter.  If we are wise, we allow ourselves to grow and mature by each experience, whether it was positive or negative.  We should become more empathetic, compassionate, loving, wiser, kinder, more understanding.  We should let our hardships shape us into greater human beings.  I wish everyone would learn that lesson.  Life would be easier for everyone.  I need to always remember this myself.

 

I am having a really hard day.  My son, Drew, is having a rough time and doesn't know what is happening.  He doesn't understand why mommy can't pick him up anymore.  It has been too soon after surgery and I have weight restrictions.  Drew has been acting out and having really bad temper tantrums.  It's hard to explain to a 2 1/2 year old what is going on. (I don't even completely understand).  During one of Drew's temper tantrum episodes he ended up in time out in his bed.  He was crying and I went in to talk to him to try to settle him down.  I asked him why he was acting so crabby.  He put both of his hands on my face, looked into my eyes and sobbed;  "Mommy, do you like to hold me?"  It just broke my heart!  We both started to cry...  I told him that it was my favorite thing in the world to hold him.  I love him so much!   After that I layed down with him, and held his hand.  I kept telling him that I loved him.  I am so afraid!  I am afraid to leave my husband and children behind.  Thy are my heart and soul.  They are everything to me in this world.  This is so hard...

 

Good Morning.  I haven't written in a while.  I took Megan out for a girls day two days ago.  Yesterday I wasn't feeling up to par.  Nothing big, just pooped.

 

A request to the Holy Spirit:

 

Please intercede for me so I can live to see my children grown up and happy in their lives.  That I can hold and know each and every one of my grand babies, and that I can write beautiful music and poetry for my Father in Heaven.  Everything I do from now on will be for Him.  Please, Holy Spirit - Pray for me!  In Jesus' name I pray, Thy will be done...

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight is a night of being:

 

unsure

afraid

hopeful

angry

 

Tomorrow I go to Mayo Clinic for a second opinion.  Chemotherapy is not working.  My cancer has spread.

 

Help us Lord Jesus!  Please have mercy!  Amen.

 

It is morning and we (Gary, Drew and I) are here in the Charleton Building of the Mayo Clinic.  I am waiting to have bloodwork done.  The next step is a chest X-ray.  My heart is full of;  hope, anxiety, helplessness, heartache, love.  Everything seems so unreal.  I am hopeful that they will know exactly what to do to cure my cancer, or at least hold it at bay...  I am terrified that I have advanced to stage 4 and that I am terminal.  Quality of life will be my greatest concern. 

 

Well, now the hard part is here.  The blood tests and X-rays are completed.  My appointment with the consulting doctors will be at 9:45 am on Tuesday.  Hurry up and wait...

 

We took Drew to a large park today.  Silver Lake Park in Rochester, Minnesota.  It was wonderful to see the joyous look on his face while he played on the gigantic platform with at least 20 different slides.  My heart is in my stomach, though and it is difficult pretending to be happy and alive...

 

 

 

We are on our way to see Dr. Bailey at Abbott Northwestern to hear her recommendations.

 

The Mayo Clinic decided that surgery was out of the question.  We have learned that this is a new tumor, larger even than the one they originally removed.  There are also two other smaller tumors.  Dr. Jatoi at Mayo wants to start me on maintenance chemotherapy with different chemo agents. 

 

We closed on our home in Florida today.  Before my diagnosis, my husband had accepted a position as Vice President of a company in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  We are not sure at this point what we are going to do.  We went ahead with the purchase of our home.  I feel like if we stay in Minnesota, I am resigning myself to just sit back, give up and die.  I just can't do that!  Besides, he no longer has his job here.  My husband was suppose to start work in Florida around the middle of June.  This company has been so great!  While I was in the hospital for my surgery, they contacted Gary and told him they would wait until we were ready.  When we learned of this, everyone just started to cry!  Gary checked his voice mail while in my hospital room.  His parents, my parents and our children were there.  This company has just been amazing to us. 

 

I don't know what to do.  I need to find the best possible treatment.  Where does God want us? 

 

Mayo, or at least Dr. Jatoi, told me to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  Basically, I have a year left to live.  One year, wow...  Where do I want to live the last year of my life?  I don't know...

 

We are in the waiting room at Abbott Northwestern.  It is 4:00 pm and a beautiful woman, probably in her mid 60's is waiting to see her doctor.  Her appointment was for 2:20.  She asked at the front desk when she was going to be seen.  She sat down next to another woman and said: "I can't believe it!  I just want to be seen and I'm pissed!"  Then she said;  "Just tell me if I'm livin' or if I'm dying!  Send me a notice in the mail..."  It just struck me as being funny and profound all at the same time.  They are always so busy here, and it is heartbreaking. 

 

I had chemotherapy yesterday.  It's close to the noon hour and I am still doing ok.  I am tired, but I have managed my daily walk already.  I have also played outside with my son Drew.  He has so much energy!

 

During my chemo session I met a woman.  We spoke about many things.  It was hard to believe she is so ill.  She was diagnosed last fall with lung, liver, kidney and brain cancer.  She went into remission for a while.  Now the cancer is back.  She had such a beautiful attitude.  She is very remarkable and reminded me of a movie star from the days of Grace Kelly.  Her hair was long and blonde.  She wore it pulled back in a sophisticated style.  I thought she was in her late 40's, or even early 50's.  When she said shes was in her seventies I was very surprised.  She shared with me her plans for the next few months.  She really has a beautiful attitude and seems to be at peace.  I haven't arrived there yet.  Maybe that is the next stage.

 

There was also another woman at chemo.  She looked to be about my age (early 40's).  Her daughter was with her.  she had a severe allergic reaction to the chemo drugs.  The love between mother and daughter was poignant and heartbreaking emotion to witness.  In between my rests (chemo makes me sleep) I would open my eyes to make sure she was ok.  At one point the daughter was cradling her mother's head close to her own and very gently stroked her face with her hands.  She would tenderly kiss her cheeks.  They have a close bond that was evident in the way they interacted with each other.  It was easy to see they were mother and daughter.  The likeness was striking.

 

Another mother and daughter came in.  The daughter was diagnosed with a very bad case.  She was so young, gorgeous and vivacious.  She was in her early (very early) twenties.  They also looked exactly alike!  Beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes.  She was so full of life and happy.  They asked me how I managed to keep my hair during chemo.  I had to confess that I really was wearing a wig.  She would be losing her hair and wanted to know where I purchased my wig.  Thank heaven for Sunny's. 

 

This is one of the hardest things I have ever faced in my life.... and I have had many thing to deal with. 

 

It is hard to believe that so many people are victims of this terrible disease.  I never would have believed that I would be diagnosed - that only happens to someone else, right?  But, here I am.  Living and dying all at the same time.  It is so surreal. 

 

I want to be exactly like Mattie J. Stepanek.  Brave, trusting, peaceful, loving, gentle, tender, full of life, full of faith.  He faced his death so bravely.  He touched so many other people's lives.  His books and poems teaching us, compelling us to be better people.  Once, I was watching the Oprah show and Mattie was being interviewed.  His answer to a question was "Alot of people ask why me?  I say why not me?  It's better than a helpless baby who doesn't understand."  I want to be just like him!

 

I am so thankful that it is me.  That I am the one with cancer instead of Megan, Drew, Gary or anyone else in my family.  This is God's blessing to me.  I have asked if there was going to be anything wrong, that He would give it to me.  Let Gary, Megan and Drew be safe, warm and loved.  He has answered my prayers.  He always has.  I am not happy to be dying of cancer, but I am happy that I am the one suffering, not anyone else...

 

My son, Drew, would like to add this to my journal:

 

I love you forever and ever and these blessings, and these blessings.  I love you with all my heart.  Amen.  Drew Parker.

 

Here I am in Florida at another cancer center.  This doctor wants to re-operate next week.  I don't know what to think, except that it renews my hope in being able to beat this cancer.  The doctors in Minneapolis were against operating.  They just wanted to put me on maintenance therapy.  I don't understand.  I wish I could be educated more quickly and make better, more educated decisions regarding my care.  My prayer is that Jesus will guide us and show us His will regarding my treatments.

 

This is really stressful.  We have only lived in Florida for one week.  All of these life changing decisions and I am trying to hold on to my sanity.  I want to live!  Which decision will prolong my life here on this earth?  Jesus, I can't wait to be held in your arms, if You could find it in Your heart to grant me many more years I would be most grateful.  Wherever you lead me, I will follow.  Please grant me wisdom, patience, guidance, healing, love, kindness, peace, hope, faith...

 

Keep my family safe, warm and loved.

 

How can I serve you while I am still here?  I don't want to use my cancer as an excuse not to be a good disciple for You.  What can I do for You?

 

I love you, Jesus.  Please don't take your Holy Spirit from me.  I ask for the privelege of being safe and comforted in your presence.  I'm so tired...  Is it ok if I just lay back and relax in your arms?   I need to feel close to You, to be in Your presence (Beloved In Your Presence.)

 

God bless Gary, Megan, Drew, Mom, Dad, Papo, Grammy, Grandpa and Grandma Miller, Denise and her family, Kelly and family, Stacy and family, Jeanelle and family, Julie, Kathy and family, Sue and family, Terry, Sal and Madison, Steve and Erin, John and Sandy, Tom and Sarah, Ondy, Gary and Nancy, Linda, Shawn, Frank, Sammy, Jenna, All of my sisters and brothers surviving cancer, neighbors, friends;  God bless all of His children.  Keep us safe, warm and loved... 

 

My mom's gravesite in Isanti, Minnesota. 

 

Where do I even begin to fill in the blanks with this life of mine?

 

I haven't written because there has been too much heartache and I guess you could say blessings all at the same time.  On October 8th, my sister, Denise and her youngest son, Nash, came over to Florida from Texas to help us unpack.  My neice, Danielle, also came to Florida with us to help me with Drew and the house.  We had only a few days to be together when my father called to say that my mom passed away in her sleep.  He called on October 10th.  I hadn't spoken to mom for a few days so I called dad and asked to speak with her.  He said she was still sleeping but would have her call when she woke up.  She evidently had been working overtime at her job as a Deputy Sheriff - Corrections at the Anoka County Jail.  About two hours after I called, dad called me back. He was very broken up and crying he explained that mom had passed away in her sleep!  We couldn't believe it.  I still can't believe it.  How do you learn to breathe again?  She hadn't been sick that we know of.  She is just gone...  I haven't had a chance to write these past few weeks.  I had my second surgery on November 1st.  These are the events of my life since I wrote last:

 

A tornado hit our home in Elk River while we were still living there.  This happened three days prior to our move to Florida.  Mom was still alive.  We lost 18 trees, we lost a couple of fences and several trees landed on the house.  Only the gutters were damaged.  We (Gary, Megan, Drew, Danielle, and myself) were all in the house at the time.  We were safe and sound.

 

We were in Florida only two weeks and then my mom passed away.  She was only 64!  We went to Minnesota for mom's funeral.

We came back home to Florida and hurricane Wilma was organized and headed straight for us.  I couldn't cope with everything.  I cried and cried and begged to go back to Minnesota.  We left on a flight at 6:30 a.m. and escaped the hurricane.  The kids and I stayed in our house in Elk River until the power and phone were back on.  Our home in Florida suffered little damage.  We had minimal roof damage.   Approximately two days after coming back to Florida I had my second surgery to remove several large tumors that had grown even with Chemotherapy.  Dr. Recio sent the tumors to a lab in California that is testing chemo agents on them to see which one is most effective on my type of cancer.  We also learned from pathology reports that chemo did not stop the tumors from growing but it did change the characteristics of the cancer itself.  It is borderline with a low malignancy potential.  Dr. Recio feels that given the proper chemo treatment there is every chance that I may go into remission.  Jesus is listening and answering our prayers.  There is hope now, where before I was literally dying...  I had been told that I had only one year left to live.  Abbott Northwestern and Mayo Clinic concurred that a second surgery was out of the question.  They were going to put me on maintenance therapy and just let me die.  It is a blessing that we were guided by God to Dr. Recio, who was adamant that he operate and take the cancer out.  I am two weeks out of surgery today.  I had several more tumors throughout my abdomen.  The ascites fluid seems to be gone.  The lab report came back and the tumors were low malignancy and not organized.  I have every hope of being able to go into remission with more chemotherapy.  I just need to remain strong through this!  Three or four more sessions....  I am clinging to the hope of remission.  I pray daily for strength and to be allowed the grace of God's presence.  To lay back and rest in my Jesus' arms.  He has been so good to me...

 

There are times of peace and contentment even with all of this.  But there are also times of pure panic...

 

I just want to rest in Jesus arms, to live and survive this terrible cancer.  I want to be with Gary, Megan and Drew.  I want to raise my children!  I want to love my husband and most of all to share my faith with other people.  To be a part of the embodiment (spelling?) of Christ here on earth.  Thy will be done.

 

I will fight and be strong for as long as God will allow.  He is compassionate, full of grace and love.  He will uphold me, love me and keep me safe and warm.

 

My husband's parents have been here for two weeks to help.  Danielle was so hurt by my mom's (her grandma's) death.  It was too hard for her to come back.  My father was here for my surgery.  Gary's parents were also here.  I love them all so much.  This is the second time they have come to be with us and help.  They came for my first surgery in Minnesota.  I don't know how I can ever repay them for their love, prayers and support.  (My parents also stayed at my house after my first surgery to help Gary and I with the children).  God bless them forever...

 

 

 

Gary's parents went home last Thursday.  I miss them so much.  My father drove from Minnesota and arrived Sunday evening.  He will be staying with us for a few weeks.  He has been so cute.  Last night he took Megan shopping to get ingredients so we could have home made pies for Thanksgiving, which is tomorrow.  He plans on making pies tonight!  It will be a wonderful memory for all of us.

 

My father is grieving deeply for my mother.  His heart is literally broken.  We have cried together several times since he arrived.  He brought several music cds of mom's.  He put in a song and started telling me that it was one of the first songs that they heard together at a party where they met (in 1960?).  He also shared with me that in recent months they would take drives and pop in that song.  That hit a chord in me and I just lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  This is so hard...

 

I am in the waiting room at Dr. Recio's while I am writing this.  I am waiting to hear what chemotherapy treatment he will recommend.  I am so nervous and scared.  I have to continually remind myself that I have Jesus and that He is with me all the time.  I close my eyes and pray so I can feel His presence, His love, His power, and His peace.  As always, Thy will be done...

 

My Jesus, Comforter of my soul, Love Bringer, PeaceMaker, please remember me always.  Stay in my heart, never let me go!  You are my Joy!  Please love my children!  Keep them safe, warm and loved.  Please take care of Gary.  Give him strength, comfort, excellent health and courage to overcome this also.  Thank you for my blessings.  My favorite blessings:  Gary, Megan and Drew.

 

Thank you that it is me going through all of this and not my children, not my husband.  Thank you for that blessing!  Give me strength, health, hope, life, peace, love, comfort and joy.  I love You, Jesus.  I know I am not worthy, but I love You.  Thank you for dying on the cross.  You are my life.

 

 

 

It is a Wednesday.  I have spent the day with my father and my children.  We went to Walmart and I purchased decorations for Christmas and Christmas cards.  We went out to eat at KFC.  Right now we are back at Walmart to pick up my dad's prescriptions.  My dad has been staying with us for awhile.  He came down in his motorhome just before Thanksgiving.  It has been juch a joy and comfort to have him here.  I don't know what I'll do when he leaves.  These are the absolute hardest times of my life so far.  I thought my cancer was something difficult.  It is nothing compared to dealing with the loss and death of my mother.  There is not a day that goes by without tears and memories flooding back to her.  My heart aches.  I cannot begin to imagine how my father must feel.  His heart is definately broken.  Everyday he puts on a music CD and listens to the memories each song conjures up.  He will talk about a happy moment that he and mom shared, and sometimes the tears are too much to hold back.  That's when we both cry and hold on to each other for comfort.  It is a joy and comfort to have my father here.  I feel so blessed that he is staying with me.  I feel bad because I cannot entertain him,  I am in the middle of recovering from my second surgery and the beginning of my second round of chemotherapy. 

I love him so much and would take this sorrow from him if I could...

 

I am here waiting for my first chemotherapy treatment at the Boyton Beach Cancer Center.  I watched a movie, and then I fell asleep!  Life's simple pleasure to sleep through the chemo process.  What a blessing!

 

Here I am for my second chemotherapy treatment at Dr. Recio's.  It is my sixth chemo so far.  (four sessions in Minnesota). 

 

I still count my chemo as a blessing.  My CA125 was in the normal range for the first time since my diagnosis!  It is my Christmas miracle!  When Paula showed me the score on my lab tests I couldn't believe it!  I was so happy that I cried... My husband cried... and my children rejoiced!  I am so thankful to God for answered prayers, for His guidance to Florida and Dr. Recio.  Without His divine intervention I would surely still be closer to dying sooner.  Back in Minnesota, Abbott Northwestern, Virginia Piper Cancer Center and even the Mayo Clinic just gave up on me.  When we found several more large tumors during my chemo there, no one would perform a second surgery.  It was too risky, they said.  They just wanted to give me "maintenance" therapy and try different ones, by a long shot to see if any one combination would work.  I compare this medical nonsense to a game of russian roulette!  In the first surgery, it seems to me they did it all wrong!  Everybody's cancer is different.  Everybody reacts differently to the chemo agents.  Minnesota just labeled me as having "resistant disease."  When I consulted with Dr. Recio, his approach was to send actual tumor tissue to a lab in California.  They tested different chemo agents on the tissues to see which would be most effective on my type of cancer.

 

We need to be our own best advocate!  We need to educate ourselves from the diagnosis through the treatment phase.  I wish the Medical Oncology Profession was on the same page.  Our survival rates and results really depend on this!

 

Even though I may eventually die from this disease, at least I have a fighting chance.  I am still a miracle!  God, through Dr. Recio has given me more time to be here with my husband, children, family and friends.

I will never give up!  I will continue to have faith and pray and to let my life Glorify my God...

 

Gary and I celebrated Christmas with the kids last Sunday.  It was so wonderful.  I had Drew and Megan (with my help) Bake Christmas cookies for Santa and for baby Jesus.  We had Drew set up a plate, one for each, and a glass of milk.  You should have seen the look on his little face in the morning with only cookie crumbs left to be seen!  He was so excited and so surprised.  Gary had the kids write little notes.  When everyone was in bed, Gary answered thenotes.  The one he signed from Santa, but the one for Jesus he left unsighned.  He said it just didn't feel right to sign as Jesus.  I have never thought of that before.

 

 

 

I heard from my father yesterday.  He sounded like he was having a good day. When I spoke with him earlier he was crying and having a very hard time.  I love him and it hurts me to see him be in so much pain and heartache.  I wish there was more that I could do for him. 

 

This morning I woke up with a bee in my bonnett.  I did not want to come home from chemotherapy to a cluttered home.  I felt well enough, so I unpacked, packed and organized, re-organized and it still isn't perfect but at least it feels a little more sane and like a home instead of a storage unit.  We have not been able to unpack all the boxes yet from the move.  We have had so much going on...

 

I am still grieving over the loss of my mom.  Somedays, I wonder how I can even breathe, if I will ever breathe again?  I can't believe she is gone.  I miss her voice, her alarming blue eyes, and her warm, nurturing hugs that only a mother can give...  She was so beautiful inside and out.  When we go to heaven the Bible tells us that our bodies will become perfect.  My mom probably looks just the same because her heart and soul were so lovely, and she was so beautiful!  I know she must look exactly the same!

 

Well, I am getting tired now.  i will try to write as soon as I can.

 

Here we are celebrating the New year on Juno Beach in Florida.  It is still very strange to me that we live here.  god's design is one that I will never fully comprehend.  I watch my husband and my son run along the ocean and splash in the playful surf.  My daughter sits beside me on her chair, reading.  We were our usual boring selves and went to bed early last night.  Since Drew was born we have just been home bodies.  I sit here in the warm sun and ponder these last months and all the changes that have occurred.  How blessed I am to still be alive.  I think I have almost come to terms, with this ovarian cancer ordeal.  Almost, at peace with it.  Almost, yet not quite.  Some days are better than others.  I do have to admit that since my second surgery and my reports of normal CA125 levels it has calmed me and has been a little easier to cope.  The panic level isn't quite as elevated!  I am still so terrified at times that I cannot catch my breath.  I wonder why I am so afraid?  Paralyzed almost.  I should not be afraid to die.  I am a child of God.  Maybe it is normal to be this way.  I pray every single day.  I study my bible, I search for comfort in the words.  I believe in Jesus Christ as my only Savior.  Where then do these troubling thoughts and fears come from?  I know that He is real!  I have seen Him!  I have been in His presence...

 

Here I am editing my journal.  I have not written in it for months.  My son, Drew is getting antsy, so I will have to update this later!

 

Love, Me

 

I have finished my 6th (10th altogether) Chemo Session approximately three weeks ago.  I had a PET/CT Scan last week.  I met with Dr. Recio to discuss the results Wednesday, April 6th.  I have to say that I was terrified.  My emotions were discombobulated and running through the entire gamut...  I had prepared questions regarding more chemotherapy, more treatment options and even questions regarding end of life issues.  I guess I was preparing myself for the worst because halfway through my chemo (after my third session) I had a PET/CT scan that showed two more spots inside.  I try to remain as positive as I can, and I do pray constantly and rely on my faith, but sometimes I fall apart...  This isn't always easy.  It is downright hard and heartbreaking at times.  Imagine my astonishment when Dr. Recio explained to Gary and to me that there was no evidence of disease on the PET/CT scan results!  I am a walking miracle!  Just the fact that I am here now, that I am in complete remission is a wonder,  a pure miracle... 

 

Now, I have to re-program my thinking and modify my prayers.  It is going to be difficult, but somehow I have to do it.  Well, the prayers will be easy!  Praise and thanks to You, God of love and mercy!  I am still in a kind of shock.  Every time we have gone in, it has been more bad news and something else to deal with.  This whole cancer thing is so surreal.  That always happens to someone else, not me.  But it has happened to me.  Cancer does not run in my family.  I am young!  I am only 43.  I was only 42 when I was diagnosed, and not even a candidate for ovarian or breast cancer.  But here I am, fighting for my life. 

 

To Dr. Recio, my heartfelt thanks and complete adoration for being a part of my miracle, for saving my life, for extending my life.  You really care about all of your patients, and it shows.  To all the staff at Boynton Beach Cancer Center;  I love each and everyone of you.  Your genuine concern, love and encouragement has made all the difference in my healing process.  I know without a doubt that God led me here to all of you.  I would still be literally dying without your knowledge, skill and thorough proficency regarding the treatment of this terrible disease.  I love you all, very much...  To Paula, my Oncology Certified Nurse, I am in debt to you!  How you ever put up with me, I don't know...  But I'm glad you did.  You took my insecurity and gave me a different perspective.  You are a wonderful person and you made having chemo something to look forward to (well, at least looking forward to seeing your beautiful face, anyway)!  Thank you from the top and bottom of my heart...

 

My husband and I cried after hearing the great news.  Tears of joy and happiness that everyone shared in. 

 

I know that surviving this thing called ovarian cancer will be a continual process.  Every day I will have to recover from it's debilitating effects.  Physical and emotional recovery will be difficult, but every single day I will count as a blessing.  One more day!  One more beautiful day...

 

Thank you to all of you who have taken us under your wings and prayed for complete recovery.  Without prayer, this would never have been possible.  Our friends, neighbors and family have been amazing to us.  The neighbors in our new neighborhood are kind-hearted, loving, and amazing people.  We appreciate all you have done for us.  Your support, your prayers and the meals that you brought us during my chemotherapy recovery period are so appreciated.  God bless each and every one of you! 

 

People that I have never met have also been amazing...  The cards and letters of love and encouragement also helped me to be stronger,  to grow in my faith, and to face every day with a smile, even through the tears.  You are in my heart forever!

 

There have been several church congregations that have been praying for me constantly.  I especially want to thank:

 

The First Baptist Church of Anoka

Dr. John Look and Pastor Abe Cardosa

The Elders who attended the laying of the hands prayer service.

I believe that God was with us on this day.  I felt His presence.  I know that without prayer, I would not be in remission.  Thank you for your faith, for your love and for your sincere prayers.  They are being answered.  God has been faithful and merciful to me. 

 

Trinity Lutheran Church of St. Francis

Pastor Baumgarn and Pastor Maxfield

You both came when I needed you.  Thank you for all you have done for me and for my family.  This has not been easy, but your prayers and your concern continue to lift and sustain our faith.  God bless you both.  Pastor Baumgarn:  I have known you and Carol for many years.  Thank you for being at the hospital when I was first diagnosed.  You will never know how much it meant to me.  Thank you.  Pastor Maxfield:  You came to our home one afternoon.  It was the afternoon that I found out that I had several more large tumors.  Your presence during that difficult time was such a comfort.  Your prayers and wisdom helped me to cope with this in a better way.  I thank God that He called you and Pastor Baumgarn to be in the ministry.  Everything you both have done is greatly appreciated and will never be forgotten...  The tapes that you have sent of sermons are a great comfort to me.  When I am homesick, I listen to them and feel like I am home again.  Thank you, thank you...

 

Crosspointe Baptist Church

Pastor Lassley

The Ladies Guild

The entire congregation

I know that you have been praying for me constantly.  The cards and letters that I receive from members have given me joy and the strength to keep hoping.  I feel like I know you all, and feel like a part of the congregation.  God is surely with you and His presence in your church must be an awesome feeling to experience.  We recently had the pleasure of meeting Jim and Viv here at our home in Florida.  I felt like they were already a part of my family, such wonderful friends, and the love of Christ is very evident in their lives, shining in their eyes... 

Thank you for your prayers and support.  When we visit Batavia, we will have to come and thank you all personally!  Thank you.

 

Central Lutheran Church

Pastor Johansson

Allison

Thank you for your prayers and support.  Allison, you were a strength for me.  I am amazed that you extended your kindness to me, a stranger.  Your letters quoting scriptures, and you words of faith and love touched my heart and gave me courage.  I will always be your sister in Christ.  All my love...

 

To the Bikers who started a prayer chain and embraced me with your kindness and with your faith;  God bless each and everyone of you!  I pray that He continues to keep you safe, warm and loved.  The love you have shown will be with me forever...

 

To everyone:  Thank you, thank you!  My sincere gratitude for the prayers, faith, encouragement, peace and the joy that all of you have given to us.  God bless forever...

 

 

Hello, again.  I can't sleep tonight.  My mind is too busy.  I am recovering from my surgery on Tuesday, April 11th.  Dr. Recio performed laproscopic surgery and took biopsies of several sites.  He also put a solution in my abdomen and "washed" it.  The liquid will be sent out to be tested for any residual cancer cells.  We really are expecting to hear good news, this time.  I won't know for sure until April 20th. 

 

What a long year this is turning out to be!  The ups have been over the top and the lows have definately been rock bottom!  There are days, like today, where I cannot quiet my mind, my thoughts.  The hardest part is the not knowing.  I will never know for sure that I will stay in remission, or that this cancer will never come back.   There are nights when I am terrified to go to sleep.  I'm afraid I will never wake up!  This has stabilized somewhat since coming to Florida and with Dr. Recio gaining the upper hand in this fight for my life.  Back in Minnesota, when I was told that this was bad, that I would not be leaving the hospital, the depression really hit hard.  I know that Doctors are only human, but they really need to learn how to deal with serious illnesses such as cancer or other fatal diseases, better.  One of the first doctors to look at me told me that I needed to contact my minister immediately.   That this was a very bad situation and that they believed it was cancer and that I was probably stage four already.  The second doctor to come in, didn't speak to me at all.  He just kept sighing, and crying through the entire meeting.  Is there ever a good way to tell someone that they are dying?  Yes, and no!  What happened to old fashioned compassion, caring and tactile?  Thank God I found Dr. Recio, because he is the most sincerely compassionate human being I have met during this process.  Everyone on his staff is also positive, loving and supportive.

 

Tonight, for some reason, my mind is going over and over (reprocessing) an event that happened after my first surgery.  This was after the Mayo Clinic prognosis, when the cancer had recurred.  One night after all of us went to bed, I closed my eyes.  The next thing I knew, Jesus was at the side of the bed and was looking at me;  "It's time."  I shouted "No, not yet!"  I fell asleep again, the same thing happened.  There was Jesus, "It's time."  About the fourth time I sat up screaming in bed, "NO! PLEASE NOT YET!  JUST ONE MORE DAY!"  I woke my husband Gary up.  In between my sobs and tears I explained what had just taken place.  I was too afraid to try to go back to sleep, so Gary sang to me, we cried and we spent the night praying, and holding on to one another.  It was about 7:00 a.m. the following morning when I was finally calm enough, and I eventually fell asleep.

 

This is what my life is like sometimes.  Days of great sadness and overwhelming fear grip me and I find it difficult to overcome.  Then, there are days when I know that God has heard my mournful cries "Just one more day!" and I am at peace because He has had the goodness and  graciousness to say, "ok, Kimberly.  Just one more day!"  I feel as though my spirit is being torn in two, going back and forth between the land of the living and the land of dying.  Sometimes I am paralyzed with my fear, and then I am ashamed.  I am ashamed because I remember when Jesus rebuked His disciples when they were terrified and complaining about the storm that was rocking the small fishing vessel that they were caught in.  So I swallow my fear, my loneliness, my restlessness, and my embarrassment.  I put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.  I keep walking even though there are days when I am too exhaused to get out of bed.  But I do it because I believe that God will give me the strength to conquer my fears, my wavering faith and this disease called cancer...  God continues to speak to me throughout this process.  He is never far away.  I seek His presence every single day.  I meditate, I read my Bible, and I pray constantly throughout the day.  If I have a question that my heart has pondered, suddenly, as if God had tapped me on the shoulder and spake to me Himself, there the answer is!  In the Bible verse that I just read, or the sermon that was given in church, or even by a TV evengelist.  (I am very picky about which ones I listen to).  I wonder if God has always communicated to me and I was closed minded and didn't catch on, or if I am really closer these days because of my circumstances... 

 

I miss my family.  I know that we are all grieving because of my mother's death.  I wish that we could learn to grieve together.  To forgive one another, to uphold one another.  I wish we would learn to use our tongues more peacefully.  I wish we could let go of old hurts.  To say that nothing in the past matters anymore.  Let's love each other while we are here, today.  I wish we would be motivated to do what is right.  To let go of old and new grudges:

 

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in Spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

 

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindess, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

 

All of these things that trouble my heart these days have only one solution.  To give it the the Holy Spirit that He may intercede.  Just as I am without one plea...

 

Our Father, which art in Heaven

Hallowed be Thy name.  Thy Kingdom come,

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us

lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil

for Thine is the Kingdom,

and the power

and the Glory Forever and ever!

Amen...

 

Love, Kimberly

 

P.S.  Thank you for the gift of one more day.  When it is my turn to come to You in Heaven, please know me.  Do not turn away from me!  I love you, Jesus.  More than I can say...

 

P.S.S.  Do you remember, God, when I was a little girl?  I was probably Drew's age of about 3 1/2 years old.  I remember coming home from Sunday School on Palm Sunday.  That night when I said my prayers with my mom, dad and my sisters, I can remember lying there still awake.  I recall the heartache I felt and the warm tears spilling down my cheeks as I thought of Your Son, Jesus, who loved me enough to die for me.  I think I remember crying myself to sleep.  Do You?  Do You remember that innocent little child?  I remember...

 

This picture was taken at Trinity Lutheran Church in St. Francis, Minnesota.  My parents renewed marriage vows on their 40th Wedding Anniversary.

 

Hello, again.  I have procrastinated enough in writing my bad news.  I had a laproscopic procedure done about two weeks ago.  My PET/CT scan showed absolutely no sign of cancer and we were elated.  My Doctor suggested a laproscopy to take a quick peek and find some tissue samples just to confirm that there was no more cancer.  None of us expected to find anything.  But, there it was!  I had already started to make big plans for the summer without chemotherapy in any of those plans.  How things rapidly change!  They found small areas of invasive cancer cells throughout my lower abdomen.  I have surgery next Tuesday (May 2nd) and they will put in a port directly into my abdomen.  That is where they will administer my chemotherapy.  I am still in shock!  I know that the odds are against me, but I really feel that one of these days my ovarian cancer will be a thing of the past.  I have to stay strong.  I need to take a deep breath, maybe cry my heart out for a day or two and then dust off my behind and dig in for 6 more months of chemotherapy.  I can do this!  I will do this!  Thy will be done, Glorify Your name.  Let me continue to do Your work, and give me direct opportunities to be a disciple for You...  I love You very much.  Ok, Jesus, ok.  If this is what needs to be done.  Ok.  I pray that you continue to bless me with strength, courage, faith, patience, love, family, friends, wisdom and insight that I might know and fulfill Your will in my life.  However long You choose my life to be, please never forsake me.  I am kneeling here before You in awe, in sadness, sometimes in desperation, and my soul is sorrowful.  I know that You are an awesome, mighty God.  I know that You can restore my heart with the joy of Your salvation;  Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from Thy presence and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.  Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation, and uphold me with Thy free spirit...  As always, Heavenly Father, if you are willing, You can make me clean.  Your will, not mine.  Into Your hands I commend my soul...

 

Love,

Kimberly

 

Hello.  It has been a long time since I have updated my journal.  Time seems to be slipping away from me.  It has been difficult with all the happenings in between journal entries.  I have had two more surgeries and my first chemotherapy session with the two drugs Cisplatin and Etoposide went extremely bad.  I was hospitalized with severe dehydration and my kidneys shut completely down.  Along with my health problems, my daughter is having medical problems also.  She has been having pain in her upper right abdomen.  I took her to see a Pediatric Gastroenterologist (?) and they tested her with a procedure called a Hide-a-scan.  They found that her gallbladder is not working at all.  We are waiting to hear if she needs to have surgery to remove her gallbladder.  My husband has also been having some issues.  At least my three year old son seems to be healthy.  It is no wonder that my daughter and husband are having problems with all the stress that my ovarian cancer has put on our family.  It is hard to be thousands of miles away from everything and everyone we called home.  As the days continue to flow on, I am getting used to living in Florida.  I could learn to love it here, but it is taking longer I suppose with everything we are dealing with.   I refuse to lose heart, or let my faith be bruised.  I still believe that things will work out better - even better than we continue to hope...

 

 

 

It has been months since I have written in my journal.  This latest round of chemo and surgeries has been really rough.  Since my diagnosis I have had:

 

     Six surgeries

     Three rounds of Chemo @6 sessions each round

 

But enough of that - I have become such a bore...

 

I finally get a break from chemo!  Hopefully I can finish six months without it!  My CA-125 has been normal, my last Pet/CT scan looked good, but my laproscopic discovered papillary serous carcinoma cells in the cul-de-sac area.  My doctor doesn't seem too concerned.  Where I came from in this journey up to present and where I am now is greatly improved.  I pray that the cells are of low malignancy grade (of the ovaries) and not the highly malignant cells (of the peritoneum, or uterus).  At any rate there is still hope of recovery where there was very little before.  (Half-empty vs half full)?

 

My beloved friend, Trish, passed away about a month ago.   I met her during my treatment here.  She and my husband developed a friendship when we were hit by the hurricane.  I loved her so much!  We had the same diagnosis.  She was much older, but so, so dear and beautiful.  I miss you, Trish...

 

I don't have time now to give a complete update.  I think that when I am able I am just going to use this journal for positive, uplifting memories and instances, or to sound out and cope with my feelings regarding my life.  Be blessed!

 

Hello again!  I have missed writing in my journal.  It has been forever.  I have neuropathy in my hands and feet which makes it completely impossible somedays to use my fingers. 

 

Since, I have had several more surgeries.  One bowel resection that was the hardest to recover from yet.  I had the greatest surprise during that surgery.  My best friend from MN (Terry T) flew down during my surgery and stayed in our guest house for a few days.  I was so out of it I thought it was a dream!  But she was here just as she has always been for me.  I thank God for her friendship and for her blessing my life so.  Her husband and daughter are angels, also.  I have come to love Sal's parents.  They were recently here, too.  They are missionaries and were on a mission cruise that docked in Miami.  The tri rail brought them to our home and they spent the night in our guest cottage.  I made pancakes in the morning.  We had the most wonderful visit. 

 

I was also feeling well enough to make a great Thanksgiving feast (as Drew would call it)!  Everything turned out so scrumptious.  Well, exept for the Martha Stewart recipe for fresh cranberries.  I guess I am not a ginger fan.  They looked beautiful though, just inedible.  I will leave the ginger out next year.  All the other recipes came out beautifully, though.  Thank you, Martha!    I am blessed to be here considering all things.

 

I am here yet to see my son start kindergarten and my daughter graduate high school and she is beginning to register for college.  She wants a career in crim justice just like her grandma dawn.  She is such a beautiful girl.  Her heart is extremely beautiful.  I believe that God gave her the gift of unconditional love.  That is what she is all about.  she doesn't hold grudges and forgiveness is all she knows.  Megan is pure love...My children have grown right in front of my eyes and I can't even remember it happening.  May God keep blessing me with one more beautiful day...

 

I have heard from some new people on my guest register.  Thank you!  It is so enjoyable to receive your emails and messages of encouragement and even trials of your own.  I can't wait to hear more from you!  I will try to get back to you all as soon as I can.  I hope everyone will sign my guest register or even the friends and family site so you can share some of your favorite memories also!

 

To those of you going through your own cancer journey, you are in my prayers.  Thank you for sharing your heart warming stories.  You are truly an inspiration to me as well as anyone else who may be reading these journal entries.  God bless you as you live your lives and find your way...

 

Until next time

God Bless,

Kimberly