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Saturday, January 3, 2009
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| A picture of Megan on our wedding day in 1997. |
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| Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she precious? Truly the Angel's best made from love. |
As Stevie Wonder would say...
| This is my puppy who stays at my side constantly. |
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| Tracy Susan Wienerwolf. I named her after a childhood friend whom I love dearly. |
The text for the day is Psalm 139:23
God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts.
When I came across this passage I had to read it over and over again to make certain that I understood what the author
meant. I'm still uncertain as to what this particular passage says to me.
God is all knowing. He knows my every thought before I do. He knows what decisions I will make before I do.
So, examine me and know my heart, test me and know my nervous thoughts...
Hmmmm.
Today is actually January 4, 2009. But before I go on I wanted to finish yesterday's
entry. I was proofreading and decided that I should consult my Bible to make sure what I wanted to say was Biblically
sound and in the correct context. I am so glad I did! The above text for the day was taken from a daily devotional
that I read from time to time for inspiration and insight. My Bible, which is the New International Version has
this translation which makes much more sense to me; "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know
my anxious thoughts." Verse 24 goes on to express this wish: "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in
the way everlasting." Now that makes perfect sense to me! Nervous is very different from 'anxious'. Not
to the Thesaurus evidently, but I think they are different.
Please search me God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See
if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. This is my prayer also. I want to be worthy
in your sight, to be beautiful in your eyes, beloved in your presence. In Jesus' name I pray...
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I am so sorry to everyone for my bad attitude that sometimes spills over into my journal. I forget from time to
time that I am not the only one who has access to my thoughts.
I want so much to maintain a positive attitude. I want to be perfect, never falter, but not too realistic...
I sometimes lose it. I lose it good. I know how to throw myself the largest pity parties. Oh, I can cry
and carry on. But you don't want to hear that. I don't even want to hear that. In fact, after a really big
bash and I have something comparable to a hangover, I am so ashamed of myself. Just please know I am doing the best
that I can. This journal is how I cope with my illness, even if that coping isn't how a grown woman should behave, it
still helps me to let go so I can be a better wife, mom, person...
I know my shortcomings and I know that you know my shortcomings by now. I ask for your understanding, your prayers,
but mostly for forgiveness.
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It's late in the evening here in Palm Beach, Florida. I hope that tonight sleep will come and in the morning
I will open my eyes to 'one more beautiful day' that God has blessed me with. One more beautiful day to feel the
warm wind gently blowing through my hair (that I still have! one more blessing) and the golden sun kissing
my skin yet again. The most beautiful blessing I look forward to should God be so good to me, is to spend another day
with Gary, Megan and Drew. To be able to hold them in my arms, to kiss them, to tell them how much I love them.
To hear their loving voices throughout the day. This is my dream this evening. To wake up in the morning
for just 'one more beautiful day.' In Jesus' name I pray, amen.
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify
your Father which is in heaven. Matthew
5:16
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