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The text for the day is Luke 23:43
Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise."
I know it must have been such a wonderful feeling to hear the words of forgiveness from Jesus that day for the man on
the cross beside Him. I can't imagine the suffering and pain of dying that way, but to know that forgiveness and heaven
were only a moment away...
I know that heaven is only a moment away for all of God's children. Life has a way of slipping by so quickly.
Even my 95 year old grandfather use to ask "Where has the time gone?" I don't know. Sometimes it seems to drag
on forever, and then you close your eyes, wake up, and it is just gone. Like that, gone...
I know the Bible even references the passage of time, like the blink of an eye. How true that is! What
did I do in that time? Where did it go? How did I get from there to here? I dare not waste it...
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Today my spirit is very low. I cannot quiet my heart and mind. I don't know why I can't seem to have a middle
ground on my emotions. This has been so hard. I try to be strong in front of my children, in front of friends
and neighbors. In the silence of my room when I am alone, the thoughts that whirl around my mind are so loud that the
panick sets in and I can't breathe...
When people say that I am brave, I don't know. What is the meaning, what does it mean to be brave? I keep
going forward. There are no alternatives. I refuse to lie down and give up. I have too much to live for.
Does this make me brave? I don't think so. Maybe it is provoked by fear. Whatever it is, I feel like laughing,
eating and crying all at the same time. My mom use to say that when things got a little crazy at home. That is
how she expressed her frustrations at times.
I pray with all my heart and mind and soul for healing. I want to be healed! I want to recover and go into
remission so I can continue to raise my children. I know how blessed I am to have come this far. But it hasn't
been easy. It has been extremely hard, filled with pain, sadness, sheer terror, tears and everything else in between.
Today is one of those days where I can't tell my head to think of something else.
I probe the pages of the internet for answers, for the newest cures, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, and then
I am so confused I don't do anything. I am paralyzed. I'm sorry that you have to listen (read) this, but I have
to get it out. That is why I started this journal, so I could cope with the menagerie of feelings that go along with
the cancer journey. Up, down, up, down and so on...
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This last week has been a little more bearable. I haven't had the vomiting or other issues this time.
I was given prechemo drugs this last time, and it must have done what it is suppose to do. Keep me from being so sick.
I was still nauseated, but mananged to keep it where it belonged, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I am feeling better, not perfect, but better. That makes a big difference.
My father will be coming to visit us this week. It will be nice to see him. It has been a long time.
My treatment and health do not allow for travel for me at this time, so people need to come here. I get so lonely and
homesick. It will be good to see my dad to spend some time with him again.
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify
your Father which is in heaven. Matthew
5:16
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