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Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
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Text for the day is John 14:1-4
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms;
If it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare
a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the
place where I am going."
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Another day and more chemotherapy under my belt. I had Avastin IV yesterday and will take oral Cytoxan today for
the next 15 days. I will also have to go in each week for three weeks for the Avastan. Yeehaw, I can hardly wait.
I have been so sick lately. I came down with pneumonia a few weeks back and was hospitalized. For the last two
days (plus every night) I have upchucked my supper and have fallen asleep on the john only waking up when my head banged the
wall. I hate those kind of nights. I am not real happy that they changed my medication schedule without advising
me, either. I hope I can work this out. If I can't I will probably just quit. I will try, but if it doesn't
go well because of losing certain medications, and if they will not allow me to have them, I will quit. What is the
point? I am so sick, even though I'm told that there are hardly any side effects, and that every time I let my nurse
know what is going on, she tells me "well, that is not a side effect of Avastin." Well, it certainly is a side effect
of something because this happens to me quite frequently. My bladder burns continuously and is slow to start, I fight
between the runs and constipation (I know, too much information - but it is a reality in my life...) and being so nauseated
that I can barely eat or drink anything. I just thought that I would be in remission by now. But I am not.
So I have to continue to try everything that is available. But please, quality of life is important, too. If I
am sick all of the time and cannot lead a somewhat normal life, what is the point? What is the freaging point?
I am so sorry to be such a whiner. Enough said...
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I cannot believe that it is almost the three year anniversary since my mom passed
away.
Three years. If she were here it would bhave been my parents anniversary yesterday.
October 7th, and I can't remember what year my parents were married.
I think it was in 1960. My sister, Denise was the first born and her birthday is August 5th, 1960. My parents
started on the family right away, so it must be that they would have
celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary. It still seems so surreal that mom is gone. Even yet, I think to myself
that I haven't talked to her for awhile and make a mental note to telephone, but then it hits me, she's gone... She
just left this big black hole that never will be filled up. The tears won't end because I will never heal from the pain
of losing her. I wonder if everybody feels this way, or if it is just me and my dysfunction showing through. All
that I know is that I really love and miss her. No one will ever take her place. Nothing will ever fill this void
in my heart where she belongs. I love you, mom.
Well, so far so good. It is a day after chemotherapy and other than being tired, nauseated and a wee bit
bubbly, I am hanging in there. I am still upset about the change in my chemo process, but... At least I have hydration
now. That is one thing my Doctor approved. I will have to get an appointment to explain why the other things are
important, but I will respectfully try it their way first. I don't like it one little bit, but I will try it.
Megan has just been so preoccupied with her halloween costume. That is all she has done for the last few
days. When she picks project, she throws everything into it and won't quit
Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify
your Father which is in heaven. Matthew
5:16
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