I shouldn't be so negative!  But if you knew me then you would know that this really is sort of tongue in cheek - just my weird sense of humor and my disfunctional coping skills.  That's ok, though.  I don't think I would have survived this long without my warped sense of humor.  My best friend these days is a little thing called "denial" and all I have to say is thank you to the person who invented this little coping method.  It is my most developed skill.  It has really helped me overcome extremely dark days, nights and many procedures.  Please don't take this wrong.  I think denial is dangerous, but there is a time and place for everything.  It just needs to be used in the right circumstances and context.

 

Getting back to the subject of angels...  My how I digress! I am not as educated as I could be upon this particular subject.  I do have my opinions.  I know that many angels have kept me safe throughout different times in my life.  I believe they are surrounding me, my family now.  I wrote a poem about an experience of mine. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mentioned that angels have ministered to my son when he was probably two.   This is written earlier in my journal.  When I think back to that morning it still gives me the goose bumps on my skin.  Imagine being told that your mommy is going to go live in heaven with Jesus soon. 

 

As I sit here, reflecting, putting my thoughts into this digital diary, everything still seems so surreal.  My doctor and I continue to play phone tag.  My mind is playing cruel tricks as it conjures up several very unpleasant scenarios regarding the new direction and different treatments that may be available to help irradicate this nasty cancer from my body. (In other words, new treatments to torture me with).  I need my denial talent to kick in.  I listen to the music program installed into my laptop as I type into my journal and Annie Lennox's "Walking on Broken Glass" song just played.  That is how I feel.  The melody to the song is very deceiving.  It is such a happy tune!  If you know the lyrics you know that the writer wasn't so happy while writing this pop hit. But it is so true right now in my life.  It isn't a lover who is holding my feet to the glass, but cancer is doing the same thing.  Ok, let me own this.  I allow the cancer to hold me on the glass.  No one but a cancer patient or a cancer survivor would appreciate this perspective.  But believe me, it makes perfect sense...  

 

It is now one o'clock in the morning, I am sleepless in florida.  I am worried about my son. He came down with a fever last Thursday.  My husband took him to the pediatrician today.  The rapid test the clinic took turned out to be negative.  I bet a million gazillion that they call back on Monday because the long term test is positive.  He has had strep throat every single time.  But so far...  He just has the symptoms.  I feel so bad I wish I could take it away.  His fever has hit 103.7.  I can't stand watching him shiver - He is just so cold because of the fever. 

 

 

 

 

I was going to say something profound, deep and all that other stuff.  I guess I just rambled on!  Almost like when I call someone and get an answering machine.  I don't know why, but this still surprises me.  I am a simp.  I end up forgetting everything I was about to say - I just ramble on and on and on...

 

It is already Saturday, June 8, 2008.  I will have to work on that one now.  Maybe I will still think of something deeply profound.  Ok, maybe I won't!

 

(I just proof read the above writings and realized I made a boofoo.  It was Saturday, June 8, 2008 when it was one o'clock in the morning.  Oh well.  As my sister Stacy would say "Ya gotta love me!").

 

God bless,

Kimberly