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Hello, again. I wonder sometimes why I continue to write in my journal. I wonder if it is a waste of time
and energy that would best be spent a different way (maybe in keeping up with the housework? time spent playing
with my children? my husband? on the phone, in the yard keeping up with the landscaping...)? And now, faced with this
question, there really isn't anything else that clears my soul when the clouds begin to gather... My children have their
own things - school, friends, etc. I don't really have anyone else that I can really bear my soul to when I need to.
I know that I have people who love me, who would listen, but who in their right mind really wants to listen to me boo hoo
hoo every time my head begins to "go there" with this dying thing. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not dying
(not today, anyway) but I am trying to live! Besides, people have enough of their own things to deal with, without
having to shoulder my problems, too. Although, I do have a sister or two who will let me cry into the phone when I really
need to. I try not to be a source of pain and sorrow... I try very hard to remain positive. This seems to
be the best place for me to cope with my feelings of confusion, sadness, questions, and all of my "pity parties".
Last night was a rough one. I tried to go to sleep watching a comedy - "Click" with Adam Sandler.
Now, if you want to laugh, you would think that Adam Sandler would be the best choice. How funny was "Happy Gilmore"
or "Fifty First Dates" or just anything that Adam does? He is probably the funniest comedian, (not that there
aren't many other funny people, but he is first on the list these days). Well, by the time the movie ended
I was crying so hard that I woke everyone up in the house. This is not an easy feat. Most everyone sleeps fairly
decent, with the exception of my poor husband. Insomnia tends to drag him around, leaving him zombie like most days.
I have to take the blame for this one. Short of sleeping in seperate rooms, my treatments are mainly to blame.
I have to own that one. I cannot sleep anymore. I guess that means poor poor Gary doesn't sleep much anymore,
either. I wish I could change things. I pray so hard everyday that things can be different for my family.
It's not so bad that I have to endure it, but everyone else suffers, too. No matter what I do, everyone is still affected
by my cancer. I really to try to keep it to myself, but when I have chemo, everyone basically has it, too.
I miss my mom so much. I know that it is best that she does not have to deal with the heart ache of losing a child,
because I am so glad that I am the one dealing with cancer and not one of my children or my husband. But sometimes,
all that it would take to put it all back into perspective would be a hug or a kiss from her. Maybe just to hear her
voice once again. Oh, I miss her so much, it rips me apart...
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