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Kimberly's Journal - My Life Journey

Friday, April 4th, 2008

The text for the day is:
 
1 Corinthians 15:51,52
 
Listen, I tell you a mystery;  We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed - at the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.  For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.

From time to time my thoughts linger upon the concept of death and dying.  It has been a rough week physically for me.  This always seems to turn on the depression valves and I spring leaks everywhere.  My mind goes where it has no business going.  My eyes run like a never ending pool full of tears.  My imagination does tend to get the best of me.  I know that I promised to be positive in my journal, I also realize that this is not entirely realistic.  My body doesn't want to behave anymore and it is humiliating, disconcerting and downright inconvenient. 
 
When you read between the lines of this journal of mine, please leave room for empathy, sympathy, error and humor.  I don't want to take myself too seriously, but sometimes I do get lost in the seriousness of my illness.  In light of this latest enlightenment, please leave room for a lot of forgiveness also!

Here I am contmeplating the events of the past few days.  My ups, my downs, my failures and even my small successes.  I was not feeling very well going into this chemotherapy and that always sets the stage for drama on my part.  I wonder if I won't make it through this one, if this will be my last session.  Do I kiss and hug everyone goodbye?  Do I put on a brave and stoic face, pretend like nothing is wrong?  I really don't know so I end up playing it by ear and what emotion comes out is the one closest to the door of my soul. 
 
I really do try to stay positive.  I hang on to every blessing, big or small and try to make the best of it.  I hold onto my husband, my daughter and my  son as tightly as I can to let them know how much I love and appreciate them.  One of my biggest fears is that one day they will eventually forget me.  It will happen slowly over time.  First, memories we shared will evaporate into the misty edges and corners of their minds.  Fun things we did together, things we said, places we visited as a family.  Next, it will be difficult to recall exactly what I looked like (other than consulting old photographs to refreshen their minds.  When a familiar song plays, they will have forgotten that it was one of my favorite songs that we use to sing and dance to.  They will recognize it as vaguely familiar but not why. 
 
It just breaks my heart!  Yet, I cannot fault anyone or anything for this because a part of me believes this might be their saving grace.  I don't want my husband or children to be so sad that they cannot get past the grief.  But I don't want them to completely forget about me either.
 
My computer is acting up so I will try to write more tomorrow.
 
Love,
Me

Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven.               Matthew 5:16