I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant.  It was the only time in my life that I felt beautiful.  (I'm not sure why I felt beautiful because I gained 90 pounds with my daughter, and I gained 55 pounds with my son!) During my pregnancy with my daughter, people that I had never met would walk up to me and ask to feel my bulging belly. Usually it would be another woman who had just found out that she was expecting, too.

 

I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant for the first time.  I use to massage my tummy and sing to the baby.  I read the baby stories. I put music on and would dance around the apartment while holding onto my stomach.  I told my baby how much she was loved, how precious and dear she was, that  I couldn't wait to be her mother and to hold her in my arms...

 

When I became pregnant with my son, it was during part of the happiest time in my life.  There is a thirteen year difference between my children. People ask if I regret having them so far apart.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  Each child has their special time.  There is little rivalry or jealousy between them.  Being their mother is the greatest joy in my life...

 

I've had many dreams throughout my life.  Never would I have guessed that motherhood would fulfill every want, every need, every dream... 

 

Last weekend was Easter Sunday.  I was not well so we had church services at home.  Everyone reads part of the Bible.  We have a discussion, sing songs and pray.  Being that it was Easter, we put in the movie by Mel Gibson "The Passion".  If you haven't seen this yet I highly recommend it!  It is a little slow and I do have to warn you that the violence is pretty realistic.  One thing about this movie is that it creates a fresh perspective to an old story.  There is a scene where Jesus falls down because He is too weak to carry the cross.  His mother, Mary has been following and when He falls down she has a flashback to a time when Jesus was probably only 3 or 4 years old. Little Jesus trips and falls.  He is crying for His mom.  Mary runs to Him, picks Him up and cradles Him in her arms to comfort Him.  When I saw this part, as a mother I related completely to her reaction and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.  I was also pretty tender at that time because it was right after I had been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  I wonder if Mary had any idea what the future held, or if she knew what she would have to endure as the mother of the Savior?  I look back and I know that I never thought of the possibility of cancer and not being able to watch my children as they grew into young adults.  I am blessed because I have survived long enough to see my youngest off to Kindergarten while my oldest has reached eighteen!  I really didn't think that I could make it this far.  I am so grateful I have. 

 

I know that being positive is the desired attitude when dealing with difficult situations.  Sometimes it can be done while other times it is very unrealistic.  I do try to make the best of everything and continue to be happy and to create an atmosphere in my home of laughter and joy.  Certain days come, though, when everything seems to be wrong.  I just can't help the sorrow that seeps into my soul when just the thought of not being able to raise my children makes the tears flow as if they will never stop...  Tonight is one of those nights where my thoughts are so discombobulated.  They go from being nostalgic, remembering the past to present struggles and pain from day to day that never stops.  Not even with medications - my pain is a constant companion these days.  I am not complaining but it would be a wonderful thing to not have to depend on chemotherapy and pain meds, or to fight just for the right to breathe.  I will take this, though.  Every single second longer that I am alive is more time with my husband and children.  I experience the cute and loving ways of them all.  Gary has been unshakeable - my strength, my love.  Megan has been my angel.  Never complaining about having to pitch in to help with Drew or to bring me meals when I can't get out of bed to feed myself.  Drew takes everything in stride and is learning compassion and empathy that he is able to demonstrate in his little world.  One of my biggest fears is that my children will forget alot of things about me.  Drew may possibly forget me altogether.  It really hurts to think of that.  I want to be here years to come to greet my grandchildren into this world.  I want to sontinue to watch both of my children grow into thoughtful, kind and wonderful adults.  I don't want to miss out on anything!

 

I had a bad night last night so Gary let me sleep in.  He told the kids not to wake me up.  I guess he fell asleep on the couch.  Drew doesn't like to be alone.  He comes walking into my room, wakes me up and says "Mommy, wake up.  I made some toast for you.  I even used your butter."  This sweet boy handed me a paper plate with toast and jelly on it and then proceeded to ask me if he made the best toast I've ever had.  What a doll!  He is learning to be thoughtful by watching his father.  Every morning after I have chemotherapy, Gary will make me breakfast before he leaves for work.  (The man is good to me.)  Drew is really fun to raise and to watch him turn into a young man. 

 

Megan has been getting ready for prom.  We have been shopping for dresses and accessories.  It has allowed us to spend extra time together that we normally would not have been able to take.  When we went to the mall to find a dress she was just delighted to be with me.  She asked specifically if I could take her this year since last year I had a bowel resection surgery and was hospitalized.  She kept holding my hand and smiling at me.  When we had to take the escalator she held onto my arm so I wouldn't lose my balance and fall.  (chemo has really weakened me).  My heart goes out to her because she hasn't been able to be a real teenager.  Well, maybe that is good in some ways!  No drugs, no parties, no boy crazies, etc., etc., etc.

 

I just adore my little family.  I am a lucky girl.  God has blessed me and I do know that.  But I am also human and sometimes fighting this disease gets to be overwhelming and I can't help the tears that follow when I dwell. 

 

I am tired.  I will try to write again, much sooner this time.  It is so good to be able to put my feelings down, to find a coping method that is effective in dealing with all of these things happening in my life.  I am trying the best that  I know how.  Please forgive me if it isn't good enough.

 

Love,

Kimberly